


self-contemplation

by madd09



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x14, 13x14 Coda, Bassed on13x14, Dean is an Idiot, M/M, missunderstandings, working through his feeling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 04:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14180400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madd09/pseuds/madd09
Summary: When watching 13x14 it hit me that Dean just needed to say when he means for once. This is what came from that. What if Dean realized he screwed up and that miscommunication was actually the biggest problem for them. Dean has some self-contemplation and realizes there are two ways he can handle this. Read to find out what they are.





	self-contemplation

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't my first ever fanfic but it is my first supernatural fanfic and my first fanfic based off a tv show since 2012. But I've recently gotten into to watching supernatural and bingeing it and watching 13x14 I just felt like this had to be written.
> 
> If this gets a good response I am happy to write a part two to this.

I wish I wasn't such a screw-up. But that's all I’ve ever been Dean Winchester a screw-up. I feel like all I've been doing my whole life is trying to right my wrongs and just making more wrongs in the process. 

I wasn't stupid though I knew a big part of my issue of all our issues me, Sam, Cas even Mom was communication. I hated ”chick flick moments” Dad raised me to believe they weren't necessary. 

What was necessary was protecting family no matter what and hunting all creatures and demons. 

I could admit at least to myself that the last thirteen years since I picked Sam up from college to look for Dad had changed me.

I had learnt that not all monster needed to be hunted for one. Which went against everything Dad had drilled into us from a young age. It made me realise he really was so blinded by avenging Mom because how could he not have realised what we had. I found it hard to believe he had never come across a ‘good’ monster in all his time hunting.

A part of me will always be that young boy that would do anything for his father's approval. The person who would follows his orders blindly even if I disagreed. But that was such a small part of me now. 

I would like to think he would be proud of me and Sammy. But I know he probably wouldn’t if he found out everything we had done, monsters we had left alive. If he knew the partnerships we had formed over the years.

He would have been so disappointed in us for even begrudgingly working with Crowley once. He wouldn’t have understood even though we didn’t trust him it was better the devil you know. Same with Rowena I hated bloody witches and I didn’t trust her for a second but at least we knew her and we knew she was going to backstab us more often then than not we could work with that. 

Those two at least he would have been equally disappointed in Sam and I both. Cas though if Dad ever came back which seeing as he is a Winchester isn’t exactly out of the realm of possibilities. I had no doubt he would hate Cas and want him gone.

Especially if he had found out everything Cas had done ‘wrong’ over the years. He would use that as proof to have him gone. Even though Sam and I had screwed up just as much we were human he could forgive that. 

He wouldn’t care that we considered Cas family. I could just see him using that as another excuse for him having to go family was our biggest weakness and it was clear that Cas was a weakness of mine. 

So even though Dad had been gone as long as he had and I had grown and changed as much as I had I still let him have some control over my life. 

Because it was easier that way. If I ever did get hit by a truth spell and Sam started asking uncomfortable questions it was easier to blame Dad. 

But the truth was I was scared. I’m Dean fricking Winchester and I’m scared of feelings surprise surprise there. 

I’m sure anyone who had ever spent any amount of time with me would have been able to tell that. 

I knew I needed to have a proper conversation with Cas. I had known since he had come back I needed to… well I should tell him about what losing him did to me. 

But he was back and then he was gone searching for Jack. Then he had been kidnapped not that I knew that until he had escaped. Then there was Lucifer and as always in our lives, it just never stops. We never get a break or a second to breathe it’s always just one thing after another.

And it got easier to just move past it to just ignore it, really what was the point telling him what losing him had done to me when he was back now. Then to much time had past so it would have been awkward well more awkward then a chick flick conversation would have been anyway.

But of course not talking about it was biting me in the arse now. I had tried to mention it in some way earlier to have at least some sort of conversation asking how he was holding up with everything. 

But of course, I Dean Winchesterered the whole thing and screwed the conversation up. He gave me a perfect opportunity when he said ‘he believed he was brought back for a reason.’ I should have said yes I was so depressed and angry that we are pretty sure I scared Jack into subconsciously using his powers to bring you back. The timeline just fits with when Cas said he came back and the conversation Jack overhead between Sam and I.

But did I say that clearly and obviously no I said Jack brought you back cause we needed you back.

Which was almost the same thing and yet not at all. The next screw up was when Cas started speaking about how he hadn’t repaid Jack and how he felt like he had failed him. When he decided he was probably brought back to help prepare for war. 

That was when I should have realised that he didn’t get it and I really needed to tell him that he didn’t come back to prepare for war. Jack brought him back because I needed him. But did I say that no I mean I hesitated and considered it for a second before I opened up my stupid mouth and said ‘well then we do what we do whatever it takes’ 

I thought that would be comforting and helpful but of course, as everything else, it came back to bite me in the arse. 

Of course, I didn’t realise this until later and at least this time it wasn’t months later it was just hours. But it still wasn’t soon enough no we had to deal with Donatello and Cas going crazy Cas on him.

I heard Cas say to Donatello that he was sorry but he wasn’t going to let Donatello hurt the people Cas loved again.

And while I was angry that Cas was going crazy Cas I understood were he was coming from we had all done crazy things for those we love. Not that I had ever told Cas I loved him back. Again no chick flick moments for me.

I was angry at Cas I was completely furious at what he did but I was angry at myself as well especially when we spoke to him about it after we got back from visiting Donatello when I asked him what gave him the right.

And he went Soldier Cas rationalising what he did and then really brought it home with his final sentence it’s like you said, Dean, whatever it takes.

How does one argue with that when it was exactly what I had said earlier to him when I had stuffed up my words.

Now I had the easy option were I just let him go on his soldier warpath and it probably wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing there was no place for feeling in war but it would most certainly end with either him Sam or me making some stupid decision or sacrifice because that was exactly what always happened every damn freaking time.

And I was over it I was over our family being at the centre of everything and always making sacrifices.

Yet it was certainly easier than the hard option. The one were I go and find Cas right now and be honest with him. Sit down and for the first time in ten years say exactly what I mean to him let everything out and see where that leads. It would be hard and awkward and yet maybe if we were honest with each other and then were honest with Sam and everyone was on the same page for once maybe just maybe we would all make it out of this without screwing up completely without us having to sacrifice ourselves. 

I wouldn’t consider myself weak and scared but dear Chuck I was honestly considering the easy route the route I choose every damn time I came to this crossroad in my life. But then I wasn’t showing that I had grown up that I wasn’t that same dum twenty-something, that I didn’t let my father who had been dead for a decade still control my decisions.

I needed to man up I had been to hell and back and fricking survived I could survive this. That was what I kept telling myself as I walked down the hall to were I had last seen Cas.


End file.
